Collum is rated highly by the SFA and officiated in the Champions League during midweek.
He is also a Roman Catholic; a teacher of RE at a Roman Catholic secondary school; and a boyhood Celtic fan.
But clearly this isn’t enough for those who are in charge at Conspiracy Football Club.
So, you may ask, just who would be approved?
Here's a Top Ten of suggestions.
10. Jesus of Nazareth.
No, not the real Jesus, but the Mel Gibson, nuttier-than-a-squirrel-colony-party-food-extravaganza, version of Jesus from 'The Passion of the Christ'.
Like Gibson, Jim Caviezel is a devout Roman Catholic. PJP2 liked the film, but we don’t know if the present Pontiff has found time in his schedule to catch it on DVD.
"Le-bar nash be-neshak": as he famously offered in a 2006 ad opposing stem-cell research. This seemed an extreme way to beat Michael J. Fox to future acting roles. He’s certainly willing to indulge in very public displays of flogging. And every ref needs a catchphrase.
9. Minor. Michelle McManus.
Pros: From Pop Idol to Pope Idol: she sang standards such as ‘Oh Holy Night ‘and ‘I say a little Prayer ‘ while winning the ITV comedy show before going on to sing in front of Pope Benedict XVI at the open air Mass at Bellahouston Park in 2010.
More Pros: She is already very familiar with people who work at the SFA (Hello Darryl Broadfoot!)
Cons: She may be a little immobile for the top flight, being more rotund than robust physically. And, to be frank, her ability to block out the Sun has itself been overshadowed, as a new star in the sky has been discovered in the Roman Catholic music in Scotland tradition.
9. Major. Susan Boyle.
Singing for the Pope? Check.
Celtic Park appearance? Check. So far: so good.
Trousers buttoned? Okay: now that’s a problem.
Perhaps the lack of attention to kit and equipment may rule her out. Let’s move on to a more fluffy choice.
8. Count Orlok
Then
Now
Okay, the scarf is probably a little too incriminating. Not that a man or beast which lives in and amongst soil and rats spreading plague (even on buses) need be excluded.
7. This.
6. The Pied Piper of Hamelin
The technical demands of a whistle would be no impediment to a man so conversant with musical instruments. His experience with Rattus would also inoculate him figuratively against any local wildlife problems.
He would also surely have no problems in clearing the field of rogue spectators or recalcitrant players unimpressed by their expulsion.
Referees often find their reputations blackened and character questioned, and this would be nothing new for TPP. Depending on the version of the story you read or trust the man has suffered a hard press and various allegations from mischief to murder.
In child studies the Pied-Piper effect is described thus: “A unique ability to identify with children.”
Almost Perfect.
But, perhaps not Irish enough: if so, Enter the Saint.
5. St. Patrick (or perhaps Palladius, but definitely not Paladin the Lamp)
So, he wasn’t Irish. And Guinness is Protestant?
NEXT!
4. Gerhard Kapl – ‘The Pope’
Familiar to football fans in Scotland as the man who appealed UEFA’s initial decision on Rangers’ charges relating to their game against Villarreal. Nicknamed ‘The Pope’, he was once a small-time referee in his native Austria. He screams impartiality. And his English comprehension is impeccable, assuming his friends can whisper in his ear. Celticfootballclub has often suggested that overseas officials may be necessary in order to provide for a fair contest.
3. Cardinals Ximenez, Biggles and Fang.
"Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms...oh damn!"
All referees make mistakes.
2. James MacMillan
So far, a group of assorted mongrels: now it is time for a sexually aroused Alsatian.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2004/feb/28/britishidentity.catholicism
Disclaimer: This may be what happened to Lloyd Cole or a Number from a new camp version of The Prisoner (see also Jim up there at number ten)
“It does make one wonder if there was a sexual aspect to the anti-Catholic bullying one encountered as a boy, and even in some of the "rationalist" triumphalism of the present day.”
Dr. Jimmy’s classical compositions could be played over the tannoy, although perhaps ‘The Birds of Rhiannon’ could persuade The Corrs to grace the pitch and once again try their cover of Fleetwood Mac‘s classic. His concerto for percussion, ‘Veni, Veni, Emmanuel ‘, is a lament for bhoyhood viewings of Sylvia Kristel and a profound musing on the human presence of Christ, represented by a heartbeat.
His mere presence as the man in the middle would be the closest Man can come to the second ejaculation of Christ.
1. Martin Luther
One of the most famous of all baptised in the Roman faith, he could also be relied upon to protest against and refuse indulgences (bribes) and few could match his industry and enthusiasm with paperwork. The very last words attributable to his hand - "Wir sein pettler. Hoc est verum." (“We are beggars: this is true”) - would surely appeal.
We beseech thee SFA - please consider these proposals for the good of all and to maintain the integrity of the Scottish game.