Bears old enough to remember when football was played on a Saturday afternoon will recall that most oft-asked question of the fan with the tranny was "How are the Scum getting on?" One Saturday every season this question would be quickly followed by "What won the National?"
GS has asked me to cobble my thoughts for the forthcoming Grand National andgiven my recent punting record I fear for the man's sanity.
At this rate future website bulletins may include Steve Paterson's guide to Rangers friendly hostelries offering light refreshments for our next visit to sheep-shagging city.
If your total horsey knowledge consists of the closest thing to Silver is the Lone Ranger's arse then here goes for a lapsed Calvinist's guide to the Aintree Grand National.
IT'S NOT A LOTTERY
1) A popular myth of the Grand National is that it is something of an equine lottery. This is the highest quality bovine scatology. In the event of someone saying this within earshot, draw them a sneering look as if they have opined "What a good loser Martin O'Neill is."
Contrary to popular opinion the race is invariably won by a steed with a touch of class. This could be a high grade handicapper, a once top novice chaser or a one-time top horse returning from injury or loss of form resulting in a favourable handicap mark.
Any punter with a rudimentary grasp of reading form can reduce the hopeful from the hopeless, narrowing down the winner from a field of forty to about a dozen genuine contenders. Trust me, a pin in the paper is a wet dream to the shareholders of Ladbrokes etc. as is scanning the Mystic Meg or Ruth the Truth columns.
If you are contemplating investing a note of the realm above the hue of blue (a fiver to any stray Tims), then stretch your budget and purchase a Racing Post. Their expert writers will sieve the sugar from the smelly for the uninitiated, but the final choice is yours.
SHOP AROUND FOR BEST PRICES
2) Having made your selection, wandering into any betting shop and silently handing over your dough and betting slip to the gum-chewing, Hello-reading counter assistant, is foolhardy.
Betting shops are like any other shopping. Value should be sought. Scan the press/Internet in search of the bookmaker that is offering the best price on your horse and place your bet as soon as the betting shop opens, taking the advertised early-morning price. The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly, the crowds that frequent the Grand National meeting at Aintree are not the hard-nosed, value seeking punting predators that inhabit the betting jungle of Cheltenham and other major meetings. They mostly consist of sozzled stag
and hen groups, bladdered bus outings and assorted innocents abroad waiting to be fleeced by on-course bookmakers offering several points below market value on almost every horse.
Secondly and more importantly, Grand National day is the biggest turnover day in the horse-racing calendar for the High Street Bookmaking conglomerates. The bulk of the mega-millions coming from housewives, grannies and once-a-year punters.
The spreading of a few thousand pounds by this corporate cartel amongst the on-course bookmakers can further compress starting prices, saving them millions in payouts in their High Street shops even if the winner is a popular selection.
Yes it is legalised price-fixing and people walking into banks with sawn-off shotguns and buckets of acid could claim to be on a higher moral plain but philanthropy fell at the first fence on a bookies list of priorities.
THE IRISH QUESTION - AND THE LUCK THEREOF
3) Now we Bears are a liberal and broad-minded people so we shouldn't flinch at the Irish question. I know this statement risks crashing a few of your computers but in the war against the bookies this is one battle where you want the Irish on your side.
The people from the Emerald Isle have no equals in National Hunt racing. Indeed, along with religious fanaticism, political corruption and alcohol-induced lovedupness behaviour it is one of the things the Land of Saints and Scholars leads the world in.
Throw a stick into almost any field in Ireland and you're only even money to hit a potential champion racehorse, if Big Amo was to whack out a grogger in O'Connell Street it would most likely land on a future champion jockey. Believe me, if Irish women don't give birth on the back of a horse then they must surely conceive on one.
In my opinion an Irish connection is almost indispensable when choosing a winner! The probability is that the winner will be either bred, trained, owned or ridden by an Irishman or any combination of all four.
The Irish love of horseracing transcends almost every other consideration. When the race was postponed because of a hoax bomb warning by the IRA in 1997, the Provos were roundly condemned by many Irish voices. This included Tony Dobbin who won the rescheduled race on Lord Gyllene a couple of days later. The exception was of course the plastic paddies who follow Celtic. The announcement of the great race's abandonment over the Starks Park tannoy
that day was greeted with jubilation and several ditties about their favourite freedom fighters by the visiting supporters. Don't you just love them?
MT TIP TO WIN?
4) Well, no doubt every beggar will be crowing about the about the recent Cheltenham winner, Youllneverwalkalone's chances of winning the National. Running in the green, white and gold silks of Irish millionaire and major Man Utd shareholder JP McManus, this is a real live contender. If it wins we could console ourselves by having dissuaded our separated brethren from backing it by pointing out, post Inverness, that the horse has a V in it's name - and don't they have enough superstition cluttering up their tiny minds.
Suggesting that first and second favourites (Ad Hoc and Shotgun Willy respectively) have good chances does not elevate me to the Nostradamus school of predictions but hey, a short priced winner is always better than a big priced loser.
Like all Grand Nationals any tabloid journos will tell you that there is always a story behind the winner of the National. Well it could be this year's story has a whiff of scandal and skullduggery. The 2001 Irish Grand National winner, David's Lad, would have a great chance of winning if it had not been suspended for non-trying by the Irish Turf Club in a recent race at Naas. In an attempt to get the horse reinstated, the connections are now
pursuing the matter through the Irish courts and a decision is awaited from the Supreme Court in Dublin on 28 March.
Add to the mix that David's Lad's jockey (Timmy Murphy) has recently been released from prison for the drunken sexual assault on an air hostess, then a triumph for David's Lad would produce a ³fairy tale² winner that could only be Irish.
Having said all this, the horse occupying my financial affections for this year's race is Chives. Trained by Gold Cup winning trainer Henrietta Knight and ridden by previous National winning jockey Richard Guest, Chives is presently priced at 11-1. My major concern as I write is that the ground at Aintree is on the fast side and Chives would much prefer ground on the soft side of good. Weather forecasts from Scouseland are preoccupying me more
than worrying about it pissing down in Partick.
Chives owner, Trevor Hemmings' colours of green and yellow squares with white sleeves should not deter any Bears. In addition to owning Blackpool Tower, amongst other things Mr Hemmings invested £1m quid in Rangers shares a few years back, well they were worth £1m when he gave the cash to David Murray.
Incredibly this year's National falls on a Saturday when the Gers are playing at home, so we will have to set the video recorder. Even if you don't have a bet, enjoy the spectacle of a great British sporting occasion and marvel at the courage of the jockeys over the fearsome course.
Bon chance!
I'M SPARTACUS