Smoke grenades and flares, as seen at the Jock Stein friendship cup friendly at Albion Rovers’ Cliftonhill ground?
Bed-sheet banners made by convicted IRA terrorists?
Escaped mass-murderers?
There are some things of which you can be sure, and others are a matter for quizzical consideration.
William G. Stewart: “Which fruit did Jules Verne introduce to many western readers via his detailed descriptions in ‘Around the World in 80 Days’?”
Contestant: “Bananas.”
William G. Stewart: “Question or nominate?”
Contestant: “Question, please.”
William G. Stewart: “At which football ground in 1988 did home fans greet the appearance of an opposition black player with a flurry of bananas?”
Contestant: “Celtic Park.”
William G. Stewart: “Question or nominate?”
Contestant: “Nominate Sean Dermot Finton.”
Anne Robinson: “Which popular item of confectionary has been proven to cause physical harm to a board of directors sitting in the stand watching their team lose three goals to their rivals in the space of half an hour?”
Contestant: “Mars Bars.”
January 1st 1994.
Breaking News.
BBC Scotland News
“Protestors in Scotland continue their historical struggle to make their case for right of way access in Glasgow’s East End, despite ongoing resistance from sinister, Protestant forces and Masonic figures of authority.”
“In other news, after the success in 1999, organisers hope to return to Glasgow with this year’s British Numismatic Society convention: the wide-ranging nature of coins donated by patrons that day was unique in British sport, although it should be noted that the confusion over ‘Gun Money’ was a local matter of difficulty.”
Back to quizzes.
Paxman: “Your starter for ten: which Rangers captain was struck by a missile while playing at Celtic Park?”
Glasgow, Dingwall: “Fernando Ricksen.”
“Correct. Your bonuses now, Glasgow, are on justice and concepts of time. In which year of the 21st century did that event take place?”
Glasgow: “2005.”
"Correct. Which now Chief Constable of Central Scotland Police was match commander that evening and promised, and I quote, “"We are continuing enquiries into this, as well as using CCTV footage to assist in identifying those responsible."
Glasgow: “Kevin Smith.”
"Correct. And for how long did Celtic ban the miscreant responsible when the police and CCTV identified him as the culprit?”
Glasgow: “Err. Um. For as long as the police locked him up: it didn’t happen?”
“Correct!”
The ongoing development in the area of mobile phones is staggering, but which of these functions is the most remarkable?
A. Fast web access.
B. Cameras more powerful than those of NASA and Google combined.
C. GPS allowing you to know you are lost but having the correct postcode to Tweet to your followers.
D. The light, easy to lift with even a claw, instant data delete on impact app, allowing you to throw the model at Nacho Novo and yet remain anonymous and able to escape the wrath of Celtic Football Club, the police and the football authorities.
"At which British venue did the 2010 World Conkers Championship take place?"
CJ: "I think you’ll find it was fought out in a field near the ancient market village of Oundle, in Northamptonshire, as has been the case for many years.
"Sorry, CJ, it was in fact Dundee’s Tannadice Park, where visiting Celtic fans reacted to the match officials making the correct decision by throwing their seed of Aesculus toward the field. There was also one disqualification; a J. MacMillan CBE tossing a copy of The Oresteia in place of his original seeds, thought ravished by a randy Alsatian."
Tarrant on TV in his chair: "So, for £125,000: in the years since Rangers were last awarded a penalty against Celtic at Parkhead (August 2000), which of these has not suffered a blow?"
A. The Mir space station.
B. The Twin Towers, NYC.
C. Pluto.
D. A Scottish referee giving a penalty against Celtic in a derby.
Contestant: “I’ll have to phone a friend.”
Host: “Hello, this is Chris Tarrant, we have Connie here, she is stuck on an answer, you will have four options, and only one is the correct answer. The next voice you hear will be Connie, best of luck, your time starts now.”
Friend: “Oh no, Haud on a minute there, am I no’ supposed to be talking tae an Indian guy for this – I’ve seen the adverts oan my freeview, the wee guy is a wee Indian fella and the heid yin wae the suit and the earrings tries to cheat him by wiping his fingers on the lavvy mirror and...”
Host: “Sorry. He ran out of time. It’s a hard one this. What do you think?”
Contestant: “He Disney know, I’ll go for C.”
