'Are you on the boards? What is your name? What's yours? Oh, so YOU'RE the_gub?' The introductions were all made as a mini bus drove up and whisked us off to a more salubrious part of the country on the outskirts of the cheap, green place.
It's a nice fifteen minute bus ride that ensues, then you get to the place and the Blue Gates and the RFC signs alert you to the fact that you're now being invited into another room of a home that you'd just never seen before.
Auchenhowie? Murray Park? Call it what you like but the first impressions are the sort that takes the breath away. It's impressive and no mistake. The glass well a'la the sides of the Club Deck and the Rangers Crest impose on the senses immediately.
Colin Stewart 'heid bummer' on several levels at Ibrox and the man, who made this trip possible for us, ushers us into the Press Room. You know the one with the Rangers and Carling logos etc in the background, that you see Alex McLeish being grilled in of a Friday afternoon during the season? Well that was the first port of call.
Colin gives us all sorts of facts and figures about how much it costs to run this part of the Rangers organisation and it is only then that it starts to sink in just how important this place is to the club in the here and now and hopefully will be in the future.
It costs £1.2m a year to run the place with 60 odd staff and the Rangers Lotto, last year, helped Auchenhowie to the tune of 600k. It's not for me to say how the Rangers punter should gamble/spend their hard earned crust. But a couple of quid per week, or even a 'sauce pan lid' on a match day from us all would help matters tremendously.
It was at this stage that matters turned a wee bit sour. Colin, before taking his leave, introduced us to our 'Tour Guide', who lost no time in telling us that he was a yahoo. It would be safe to assume that my fellow tourists, my old man and Mr Tego, were not taking this news very well.
But a few minutes later it got worse. Timothy the Tour Guide ushered us into the main entrance and showed us the player's 'dookits' where they receive fan mail, letters etc and where the security systems all stemmed from di-dah, di-dah, di-dah.
On the wall were a few Rangers tops and Timmy explained the reason for these. Apparently it is now a custom for the club to put up a framed first team jersey on the walls to signify trophies won in any given season.
Timmy Tour chappy went onto explain that there was a top from 1999 when we won the treble. From 2000 when we won the double and then he made a feeble joke about not putting anything up to represent the following season. By this time the feelings of all the day-trippers were becoming apparent and believe me when I say no one was laughing.
Truly I despair at times at the incompetence at every level of David Murray's Ibrox. I mean, can you imagine in five years time Arsenal opening their brand new state of the art stadium and them employing a Tottenham fan to not only take their fans round on a Sunday, but to also rub their noses in it and goad them as well regards a trophy less season?
Can you imagine Man Utd employing a Man City fan in a position of authority at Old Trafford or Liverpool making the same crass error of judgment with an Evertonian at Anfield? He might be a nice enough guy but the organisation should surely be efficient enough to ensure that no-one acting as a guide makes the mistakes he did - simply, the guy should never have been put in that position.
Still, it didn't spoil our day!
From there we were taken to the furthest away dressing rooms which are the sole preserve of the Under 10s, 11s, 12s etc. Everything is catered for and there are laminated A4 sheets up everywhere to remind everyone to wear sandals, etc, and not to walk in their bare feet or stockings. At least we've got something to thank Souness for.
Then we were taken to see the indoor training pitch. The artificial surface used does not burn your legs when you get tore into the diving tackle. And even for someone like myself who was pretty useful a stone and a half and umpteen barrels of Vodka, Cider, Rum, Bacardi, Gin, lager and beer ago, the itch to get back into action was real. The place and surroundings are quite simply, awesome.
From there we were taken to the hydro pool and that looks the biz as well. Mind you I very much doubt Emerson, Capucho, Berg or Ostenstaad ever got the benefits of that place last season, as it tells you on the door that it is out of bounds for anyone with a dose of the runs. And let's be honest folks, running was not the strong suit of that aforementioned unfab four.
Next up was the 'Rotunda'. This is the place where you will almost always be treated to a picture of the latest signing. Just looking down on the floor with the Rangers crest fills you with pride.
The first team Dressing and Treatment Rooms were the next course. Strangely enough, it is quite difficult at first trying to match the players' initials to the respective players. Significantly the initials 'S McL' are at the very edge of the room. Amazingly enough the Doctor's office seems to be about the smallest room in the place. Oh, and btw, there is no truth in the scurrilous rumour doing the rounds that Craig Moore wanted to see if his locker was going to be beside one made from Forrest or Reid Furnishings!
From there we were taken out to the outside pitches and more fascinating facts and figures were laid before us. At the outer reaches of the complex, Rangers have made/created an artificial loch that holds 40 million gallons of water. This is needed for draining all the pitches. Every attention to detail seems to have been looked at.
Apart from the training that is! When we were taken up to the first team squad's 'canteen' we were given the first team's basic training routine and it amounts to the following. Roll up around 9:30 am. Start working out around 11:00ish. Stop for lunch an hour and a half later and maybe go out for another stoat around the park for an hour or so in the afternoon.
Quite simply it is not good enough, is amateurish in the extreme and enough to make you weep. I'm sorry, but the modern day professional footballer in some cases makes more in a week than most fans make in a year. Now I don't have a problem with that but I do DEMAND that he works at his game from 9-till-5 on weekdays.
It's all the more frustrating when you look at some of the snivelling, incompetent displays put in by our lot over the years and you compare and contrast with the news that the likes of Eric Cantona used to stay behind to work on various aspects of his game at Manchester United. Professional footballers at Ibrox? Don't make me puke!
This aspect of the set-up at Ibrox seems to be geared towards indolence and amateurism. Basically our club is playing at being in among the big boys and it is totally unacceptable to this fan. And to think the young men who formed our club used to train 6 days a week for nothing?
Yet in the manager's gaff there is a video room with tapes of all first team, Under 21 games etc and all the recent Euro Championship and CL matches. It's all there folks. Hell I even think I saw a copy of the last edition of Frasier!
We were on the home straight by now and Timmy the Tour Guide took us back to press room #1 (There are different rooms for weekdays and Sunday hacks as well). Colin Stewart was back among us, and a wee informal Q&A session ensued before we were taken back out to our bus.
Main memories of the trip?
Well Colin Stewart himself. The guy exudes professionalism, is a Ranger, and knows his job inside out. Think Campbell Ogilvie and that is the standard Mr Stewart is at. I'm absolutely delighted that we have such individuals at Ibrox working on our behalf.
The complex itself. It is a magnificent and imposing place. It was referred to at several times during the visit as a selling point with regards to players coming to the club and I can well believe it. I reckon the club should open it up to the Rangers public and at maybe something like £2/3-a-head for adults and a pound for children then it could help in alleviating the running costs. It is, in my humble opinion, a MUST SEE for the support.
The Govanhill Gub!